Walter Menzies:
The white noise of regeneration

Multi-disciplinary place-shaping of sustainable communities: BANNED!

Cross-cutting stakeholder partnership signposting quick wins: BANNED!

Multi-agency dialogue engaging users in resource allocation: BANNED!

Predictors of beaconicity*: BANNED!

Banned? Yes. All of these words. Honestly. The Local Government Association has compiled a list of 100 "non-words". It has been sent to all local councils and public sector bodies. Sir Simon Miller of the LGA: "Without explaining what a council does in proper English then local people will fail to understand its relevance to them or why they should bother to turn out and vote. Unless information is given to people to explain why their council matters then local democracy will be threatened with extinction...why do we have to have coterminous stakeholder engagement when we could just talk to people instead?"

And why do they say: "slippage in resource allocation" when what they really mean is "err...cheque's not in the post" and "scaling back empowerment" when they mean "get stuffed" and "transformational coterminous shared priorities" when it's obvious they'd be in the same pub on a Friday?

Fine, but has this gone too far? What's wrong with: world-class; estate-agent; luxury; offshore; MIPIM; spread-betting; financial instruments; superquango; AGMA; portfolio; rebranding; congestion-charging; Ken Livingston? Nothing, they're not on the list...yet! But could this be the start of Stasi-like, top-down (woops, sorry, "top down" is banned) directives...infringement of human rights...attack on freedom of speech...end of civilisation as we know it?

And professionals need jargon! It's one thing for local authorities to ban jargon and use plain English. They don't have to earn their living. How can professional fees be earned without jargon? Where would our legal friend Hugefee and his mates be if they couldn't keep the clock running as they bait each other with legal obscurities? Magnatum scandalum, to put it mildly. And our architect friend Bowtie and his ramblings about spatial integrity? Tweedie the planning consultant droning on about PPGs? Isambard the engineer enthusing about bending moments? Abfab the PR raving on about pre-consultation horizontal pitches? This could be the thin end of a very dangerous wedge.

So no good will come of it? There's another side of the coin. We're all confused. We're drowning in jargon, sinking in crap. Sussed out Futurebuilders? Aligned? Double devolution? NEET? No? Well, they're just a few of the treats in the "Glossary of Regeneration and Local Economic Development", all fifty pages of it, published by Manchester-based thinktank CLES.

Where can I get help? Self-help is the only answer. One sheet of paper, twenty-five words and a pencil is all it takes to play Bullshit Bingo. Draw a grid and enter the jargon words of your choice. Tick them off as they surface at the meeting. As bullshitbingo.co.uk explains: "create meetings where participants strive to present complex ideas in simple no-nonsense language, determined to win with a clear home run in the Bullshit Bingo stakes". And what's more, there are no training manuals! No consultants! No Bullshit Bingo inspirational workshops!

Or? Meeting time again. Lights dimmed. Powerpoint hell, blizzards of bullshit. As ever, colleagues drift off into daydream la la land. The more driven are power napping. But you are alert, focused, ears tuned to perfection, pencil poised over the bullshit bingo grid. The magic moment arrives: "BINGO!" you scream triumphantly. Carafes of water splashed all over the papers! Startled looks! Rabbits in headlights!

*Predictors of beaconicity? Something to do with pregnancy tests maybe? Belisha beacons? Cities? Wrong - it means: " which local authorities are most likely to apply to or be short listed and awarded through the Beacon scheme". You couldn't make it up.